random shit

on the coconut:

Mistakenly thought of as a fruit, the coconut is a small hairy skull that when planted will grow into a gorilla. Cracking a coconut open reveals a chewy fibrous white meat and a translucent liquid. These substances are the embryonic form of the gorilla's brain.

on the american dream :

In short:

Gatsby shirts, yes! Space shuttles, yes! Rampaging music CDs, yes! Cheap fuel, yes! 24-Hour Burger Joints, yes! Arrogant impertinencethroughout the world, yes! Poptarts, Yes! Go! Go! Go!

on awkward conversations:

Hey, Hey! Haven't seen you in a while. What? Yes, its Jim! Jim Schuman! I was two rooms down from you at Alpocorp three years ago. Yeah, we talked that one time during the fire drill. You were going through that divorce at the time. You remember don't you? Your wife had just cheated on you with one of her fellow dolphin trainers at SeaWorld. Yeah! How did that turn out for you? ....Oh.....Really? Left you with nothing but your old '91Civic....Right... Well, umm... Sorry about that man.....Uhh... But, hey! You're better off without her, right?.... Really? She's modeling now?.... That...sure is...uhhh....something, isn't it...

on drugs:

 Drugs have the unique and beneficent properties of:

• Making a person feel happy
• Making him simultaneously cool
• Making everyone else uncool until they start using drugs too.

on kissing:

 kissing is a method of transferring nutrition from a well nourished human to a not so well nourished human by way of regurgitation.

on Paris Hilton:

The Paris Hilton is a hotel located on the Avenue de Suffren near the Trocadero Gardens in Paris. Rooms in the Paris Hilton offer spectacular views of theEiffel Tower and the River Seine. This 4-star hotel offers 461 rooms, two restaurants (with one specializing in California-style cuisine), and many business amenities.

The elegant facade of Paris's greatest hotel is dominated by its iconic doors, which are the largest and widest in Europe. If you've seen Paris Hilton, you've seen its entrance. The doors' two experienced doormen work day and night ensuring the swift passage of guests going in and out, in and out, again and again. Indeed, you will be welcomed whether you choose to enter through the front or back door. Critics have said that the hotel is compromising its security by its willingness to let almost anyone through its main entrance and that, in these days ofterrorist uncertainty, such irresponsible openness could leave the site vulnerable to attack from a suspicious package. The proprietors don't appear to care.

A night in the world-reknowned Paris Hilton can be a relaxing or thrilling experience. Just think of all the rich and famous people who have been there before you. It is common practice for guests to document their time at the hotel with audio-visual equipment. This is available from reception for a small fee (equipment may require cleaning). Guests can then share the sights and sounds with friends at home using the wireless internet connection. The hotel also provides extremely secure storage services for audio-visual recordings.